Empty
by Alexiel Reborn
Summary: Kurama angst. He loves Hiei, but can he handle not being loved back? Oneshot. Rated for cutting.


Empty

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A Kurama Angst Fic

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He doesn't realize, but he's so beautiful. I can't help but let my eyes linger on his gorgeous form. And yet I let my eyes linger too long and those startling crimson eyes turn to stare back intensely. Shivers cascade down my spine. Those eyes, they feel like they're piercing my very soul.

"Hn. Fox, what are you staring at?" he asks, his deep voice annoyed and quiet.

"Oh nothing, just thinking…" I say as I let a fake smile slip smoothly onto my lips and I glance away.

My fingers grip the edges of the windowsill as I approach to where he is seated. The wood is rough underneath my hands, old and worn. It makes me wonder just how many times Hiei has perched upon it's surface. Just how long has it been since he first started coming to visit me? I can scarcely remember.

I feel a brush of wind against my cheek and I don't even bother to look up. I know he's gone, out in the darkness. He's like that. He comes and he leaves without a word. I'm grown accustomed to it.

I sigh, letting my breath escape my chest in a rush. I just…just feel so empty. I gaze down at my hands, tracing the smooth lines in my palm. He always leaves…But why?

I know there's something missing inside me. It's so clear to me, but yet at the same time so…so…vague. What is this thing that has been taken from me?

I turn away from the cold windowsill and let my hands fall down to my sides. I wished he had stayed a while longer. I never grow tired of gazing at his ghostly form, so majestic in the moonlight that cascades down over his alabaster skin.

It's hard to live in reality these days when it is so harsh. When I know my adoration…my love for him will never returned. I want to escape it so horribly.

I return to my bed and lay down upon it staring up at the blank empty ceiling. Isn't it comical how much we suffer for this little emotion that we call love?

Shiori, she raised me and made me realize just how special this feeling was, but how can I want it anymore when it all it does is bring me pain? I feel so lost.

My mind wants to forget it, to act like it doesn't exist, but my heart just won't let me. It's so painful and I just want it to go away.

I don't understand anymore. If all love can bring is this insatiable desire and longing that will never be fulfilled what's the point in loving in the first place?...what's…….what's the point in loving Hiei?

I feel myself going numb, lying here on top of these blankets. I could love him for all eternity and yet it would never bring me any joy, would it?

But then again, I think as I lay here, there must be something that causes my heart to feel as such.

And thoughts of him invade my mind, as I lay here in the dark.

"Hiei" my lips say softly as I let my eyelids fall slowly closed.

I'm buried beneath these memories, that hold me prisoner. His skin, so soft and pale as I had let my fingers so absentmindedly brush against it. He had given me such a look of scrutiny and surprise then. His ebony locks had felt like the finest silk in between my fingers and I longed to bury my face in them, to place soft kisses on the perfect skin, that perfect body.

And yet, cold rejection faced me as he pulled away. He had looked at me, and that look had told me everything. Yet another time that he had left without a farewell.

Why am I so haunted by this love for him? Why can't I just escape it all?

I'm so pathetic, swallowed up in all my excess emotions. I know that Hiei would only be more disappointed in me if he knew how much this was eating me up inside.

He doesn't let any emotions stop him from doing what he needs to, stop him from getting what he wants. Sometimes I wonder if he can feel anything at all.

Then again, maybe I'm being too harsh.

There is times…when he's opened up before….He really loves Yukina. He protects her. Though he seems fierce, there's so much underneath the surface that even I haven't had a chance to glimpse at yet.

I grip my hands tightly in the sheets and shift on the bed. I want to know him, inside and out. I want to be the one that he tells everything to, that he confides everything. I want to be the one that he runs to with his problems. I don't want him to feel like there's anything he can't tell me. I don't want him to doubt my loyalty, to question whether or not I would betray him.

It has grown quite dark now as I have lied here pondering and I feel so bitter. A chilly draft blows into the room, stirring the curtains in a wild dance and sending shivers down my spine again. I won't close the window though because…if there's even the slightest chance he'll return…I just…can't give up hope.

I slide slowly from the bed, my bare feet touching soft carpet and I wander over to the windowsill again. He has no clue just how much he affects me, does he? He doesn't know how much my heart pines for him, how much my fingers long to reach out and catch and somehow hold him close to me forever.

He has no clue how much he tempts me, as he sits there unaware of this feelings that I want to longingly to express to him, how much I just want him to know, but at the same time I'm so incredibly afraid of what his response could be.

But then again, how could he ever understand me when I can't even understand myself?

And like every night that I lay here in my anguished thoughts, I bring out the shining blade that I have grown so accustomed to seeing of late. My heart pumps a little faster, adrenaline feeding my sadness.

Do you know what it is like to hold that blade in your hands, and to long to see the blood seep from your skin, but know at the same time that it is all so very wrong?

The first cut was small and shallow, fear guiding my blade. I did not know of what I was doing. I only knew of the longing I had to place the blade to skin.

And now the strokes are deep and blood is so scarlet as it flows. Pressing harder I love to see it flow out from my body.

The pain is welcome. You see, physical pain can numb away the feelings I hide tormented inside of me. It makes me forget that anything else existed.

Do you understand what it's like to love someone who will never love you back? There's this emptiness and loneliness that never seems to be filled. You can't satisfy it with tears or smiles or people. It always ends up the same….you feel so alone.

But this blood is a symbol. I have tried so hard to forget him, to ignore my feelings, to go on like none of this even matters, but every night I let this blood flow and I know that inside I still love him no matter what.

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終り

The End


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